I am sure that we all have tale that we can relate to Plato’s Cave because it is such a universal story. I thought of many instances in my life that I could relate to this allegory but one stuck out in my mind. I hate to tell such a clichéd story but it is this experience that taught me such a good lesson and ultimately brought me to a better place of truth and knowledge in all my relationships.
Yes, I am going to tell you of a time I dealt with infidelity in a relationship. I had been living with a young man, we will call him James. We were completely in love and I thought I was the only one in his life. I was very much like one of Plato’s prisoners. My eyes were locked forward and I could only see the images being acted out for me on the screen. These images were not real; they were distorted versions of the truth. I thought I was looking at love, respect, fidelity and a future. Much like the prisoners in bonds I did not realize that what I was seeing was not real, the distortions were a mere distraction to keep in mesmerized and unable to see the truth. Looking back on it I feel silly and ashamed that I couldn’t see what was so clear once I got into the light.
While Plato’s prisoner was freed inexplicably, I was freed from the distortions in a very deliberate manner. The young woman who was also in a relationship with my boyfriend reached out to me and forced me up into the light. As she described their relationship to me I felt like I had been jolted from a sleep and quickly pushed up towards the light. I felt sick and completely betrayed. It was a feeling of being lost, wondering if I was ever going to get to the top of the cave and reach the light of day. Much like anyone who leaves the dark into the direct light I was confused, disoriented and bewildered. I was unsure of what to think of my new reality and couldn’t really understand my new surroundings. There was a long period where I doubted my new reality as well as the cave I was coming from. Nothing seemed real or authentic.
After this adjustment period I suddenly saw the reality of the situation and could not believe I had been so blind. Just like Plato’s prisoner I had to go back to take another look at where I had come from, even if it was only to ensure I never go back to that cave again. Looking back on the situation, or back down into the cave, I could see my self in the bonds and watching the distorted images of truth being acted out for me. Yes I looked happy or content but I also looked ignorant and disillusioned. This is not happiness or true content with another person.
The relationship that I am in now brings me a great sense of happiness. It is a relationship based in truth and in the light. We are both authentic to who we are. We can look directly at each other and not have to act out or shadow play a role for each other. My past experience gave me the knowledge and perception to be comfortable distinguishing the difference between the light and the cave. Granted I still like to be the best version of myself for him and I am sure he does the same for me. That being said we will continue to grow together as true people enjoying the light together.
Since Blog #3 will be on "Groundhog Day", I highly recommend writing your follow Blog #3 to this one about your view of its message about the conditions and process for beginning/establishing an authentic relationship. The most imperative part of your story that relates to this in my opinion is, as I call it, "the aftermath".
ReplyDeleteThe tough thing here is that there are two caves, one built on top of the other. In the first one, the cheating partner has an affair and keeps us in the dark about the truth. The lie is far worse, but at least one is blissfully ignorant. That cave gets immediately torn down when the truth is uncovered, but one is not set free under this circumstance. Instead we have to deal with the emotional and mental trauma caused by lies told by someone close to us (this applies to most lies, rather than just infidelity).
Here we enter into a deeper cave, of jealousy, mistrust, doubt, anger, and all the dark emotions that afflict a betrayed heart and mind. This one is much harder to break out of, and it takes great work to emerge from it finally into the light of a healthy and productive understanding of how to establish an authentic relationship.
Different people take different steps depending on their personality, history, outlook, and especially character. Real character building comes out of this. By no fault of our own, we share part of the responsibility for being cheated on---- not because we did anything wrong, but because we did not yet know how to look at love and relating truly. Character comes from defining ourselves, in a significant part in relation to others. While a "good relationship" must be natural and somewhat simple even, getting to the point where we're capable of that, and see things (both ourselves and others) as they truly are takes tremendous work, and this in my opinion is the only way to establish a true bond.
You mentioned that you reached that plateau yourself, and I'm wondering how you did so. Seeing the truth is just the first step. It's one thing to learn how to avoid potentially bad boyfriends or girlfriends; it's another to have a system and moral compass in place so that when we do get an opportunity to establish an authentic bond with someone, that we are able to do so naturally. Rita in Groundhog Day is amazingly adept at this--- it might be good to compare your evolution towards the light from your experiences to who she is at the end of that path (or its beginning, if you will).
The obvious movie to explore this subject further as an essay topic would be "Eternal Sunshine". Not everything is so patently obvious though, and I think a much better, true to life example comes from Fellini's masterpiece "Nights of Cabiria" (Italian title "Notti di Cabiria). If you haven't seen that film check it out: it will probably really speak to you on this theme. "Jerry Maguire" explores the complexities well too, albeit from the other end of a relationship's development, after it has begun (rather than before). Let me know if you'd like to discuss these or any other movie topics.