A Job by Definition is a Job. Question #3

It is my opinion that is in an essential part of human nature to rebel against work or our jobs.  I feel that this happens even if we are lucky enough to be able to make a living doing something that we are passionate about.  Anytime something becomes “have to” verses “want to” the complaints will come rushing in.

I am not sue why this phenomena happens I can only relate it to my own life and the lives of the people around me.  I love what I do.  I get such a sense of personal pride and achievement from my job.  I get to experience first hand the experience of my clients buying a home.  While it is challenging and quite difficult at times there is nothing more satisfying than being part of that experience or right of passage. At the end of the day I can lay my head on my pillow and feel content that I was an essential part of that process and I worked hard for my clients. It is a very warm and fuzzy feeling.

Given my above statements one might wonder if I wake up at the crack of dawn every morning in a Marry Poppins fashion, ready to go out into the world with a smile on my face.  That just is not the case.  We as a culture are busier that we have ever been and I am no exception to that rule.  Between work, school, family and some sort of a social life there are just not enough hours in the day. Something has to give.  For most people work can not be the element that gets compromised because of the financial implications.  We have to earn money in order to survive and for all the other elements of our lives to be able to function.   Insert the need to complain or vent. 

Even when you love what you do, as I do, there are things I would rather be doing than going to work.  It is human nature to feel the need to vent about this.  There is also a sense of camaraderie formed with your co-workers when you are all complaining.  Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when one of your co-workers is experiencing the same issue or complaint about the work as you are?  There is the old saying the “Misery loves Company!”  I do feel there is more to it than that.  It is a common and shared experience that can bring you and your co-workers together but it also allows you to blow off some steam.  Sometimes it can be therapeutic to vent your concerns and just get them off your chest.  Going through the simple process of talking them out or verbalizing complaints can function as a minimizer and enable you to move on from them.

The very nature of a job involves having to look at what you are doing as work.  I have a great example of this phenomenon in my younger brother Oscar.  At a very young age my brother realized that he was athletically inclined.  Every sport that he tried he excelled at.  Whether he was playing basketball, soccer or football he was always one of the most gifted players on the team.  When he was in junior high school he went out golfing with a friend of his and he was instantly hooked.  He had found the sport that he could not live without.  He began taking lessons and was practicing everyday before and after school.  Before you knew it he was excelling at golf.  He was so good that my high school got special permission to have him come and play for their team even though he was still only in junior high.  He continued to play throughout high school and was recruited to play for UC Davis.  All throughout college he got to travel around the state playing golf.  He absolutely loved every day that he was out on the course.  After he graduated from UC Davis he decided to go into golf professionally.  After a few short months he began to see golf as a job ad lost some of the joy for the game.

He stuck with it for over a year but ultimately gave it up.  The stress that he encountered trying to make enough money and manage his time began to make him resent golf.  Something that he once loved had turned into a source of stress and complaints. He is now working in a completely unrelated field and golfs on his own time.  His love and passion for the sport has returned and he can enjoy getting back out there.

I use this example to make the point that it can be very challenging to not see our job or our work as a “have to”.  Fromm felt that we should be able to have that passion in all that we do but I am not sure that is completely possible given the nature of work and human nature itself.  Perhaps it is something that we can all strive for?

Camus's The Guest

Reading Camus’s the Guest was an intriguing experience.  I went through the text thinking that I knew the way it would turn out.  You know how you will often watch a cheesy romantic comedy and you know the couple will get back together?  I was very surprised to read that the Arab walked himself toward the jail.  I did not see that coming.

This is why I find The Arab the most intriguing character in the story.  He was confused about his future and seemed genuinely worried about how things were going to end up for him during his time in Daru’s home.  He also seemed to be surprised yet appreciative of the kindness that Daru showed him.  There seemed to be some trust formed between the two men.

As they were walking I felt sure that Daru was going to let him go.  I felt some conflicting feelings about it as it would put Daru in danger.  He felt it was the right thing to do and took the risk.  After he left the Arab, walked back up to the top of the hill he turned to see the Arab walking toward the prison.  Why would the Arab make the decision to walk himself into trouble?  Did he not believe Daru about the path to his freedom?  Was he concerned about the treatment we might receive from the nomads?  Was he more comfortable with the idea of his soon to be captors rather than the nomads?  As you can see the reading has left me with many questions about the Arab!

Loving Means Listening

I am in the Real Estate business and have been working in the field for over thirteen years now.  Over that time I have had to learn how to work and relate with many different people.  I am lucky to have found a carrear that I am good at but more importantly I really enjoy what I do.  That being said I had to learn some very hard lessons to get to this place.  Having to form objective relationships with clients of all different demographics can prove to be very challenging and there have been as many failures or mis-steps as there have been success stories.  As Erich Fromm explains, like any other skill set it takes practice to get good at being an objective “people person.”

I was very new in the business a tad over energized.  I had just been referred a new out of town client.  I was really excited because they were making a special trip to come out and buy a home.  As long as I could find them the right home I would make the sale. I was having a slow month and I really needed the sale.   I spent a great deal of time on the phone going over the financial process and getting their loan all set up.  We also spent some time going over their preferred features of the home they were specifically looking for.  I thought I was so thorough with them about their needs and requirements.  I was all set to knock it out of the park when they came into town.

I spent the next few days previewing different properties and making sure I knew the inventory in their price range and more specifically the homes I thought would meet their criteria.  I excluded all the homes with western back yards.  This story takes place in Sacramento and people don’t typically like western exposures due to the intense heat coming into the homes in the afternoon. I was ready to go and make the sale.  To this date I don’t think I have ever been so ready for a client meeting, at least that is what I thought!

The day finally arrived and I picked them up from the airport.  Their flight from Phoenix was a little late but I was prepared for that.  I got them loaded into my car and began the tour of the homes I had selected to show them.  By the time I got them into the fourth home I noticed that they seemed utterly disappointed with all the homes I had shown them. They explained to me that being from Arizona they were used to hot summer days and they had become accustomed to late afternoon barb-q in the back yard.  They wanted a western facing backyard!  I didn’t have a single home with a western back yard in my tour. I was dumbstruck and they were disappointed and did not buy a home that trip.

The lesson I learned from this lost sale that what I thought was the best feature or option for people is not always what they feel the best option for them is.  I made the expensive mistake of assuming that what I thought they would want would in fact be what they wanted.  Fromm talks about really learning about the person that you are interacting with.  Learn about their ideals, beliefs and core values and listening to them.  Be actively involved with the people you interact with.  Only when this happens can you be objective and productive.  In my situation I could have saved time and a made some good money if I had really talked with my clients, been actively involved with them and found out what they like to do with their time.  This would have given me an opportunity to have made their trip productive for both them and me.  This experience taught me humility and the need to concentrate on their needs.

I have used this lesson to help me with my future business and well as my personal relationships.  Everyone is coming from a different place and you need to take the time to learn about that place.  If I have someone in my life I want to know them, what makes them tick and what makes them happy.  To do that I have to be engaged and present in the moments I spend with them.  It is also kind of funny that by learning to be a better listener and to be present I have learned more about myself and the things that make me smile.

By no means am I done with this lesson!  Being present and engaged with people is an everyday practice but at least now I am aware of what I need to be doing.  I have to listen my way to loving people!

My Favorite DJ Shadow Track

I am a true fan of Hip Hop music so I have to admit I was really looking forward to this particular section of Blog topics.  After downloading the entire album and listening to all of the tracks I have to say that this is a great album.  It is fun, different and a remarkable mix of different sounds and genres of music.   I am a music lover and can appreciate a true sense of musicianship.  I love it when you see an artist and their music sounds as good, if not better live than it does on the CD.  Even if the genre is not my favorite I have a real respect for musicians.  While DJ Shadow is mixing music, sounds and spoken word.  He is a true musician.  He is creating art.

I liked the recommend track, "Building Steam with a Grain of Salt", but I have to say that my favorite was "What does Your Soul Look Like Pt 1".  I think I liked this track for the beat and the fact that it was really jazzy and bluesy.  I had surgery last week and was in recovery mode while exploring the album.  There was something very earthy and healing about that track for me.  I have been playing it while writing this blog and it puts me in a very mellow space.  There is also a subtle loop in the track that features a horn.  For some reason the horn takes me back to another time.  Isn’t it funny how music can have transformative qualities?

No matter what is going on in my world I can turn on my IPod and instantly be taken away from everyday life.  Just hearing a few notes from a song that I love can take me back ten years in a few seconds.  I may not be able to remember what I made for dinner last night but I can listen to a song I have not heard in 10 years and remember exactly what I was doing when I first heard it.  Music is amazing!

Coming into the Light: A Journey for Phil and I

My path into the light or into a place of awareness was brought on for me by another person.  In my previous blog I spoke about the time I discovered that my boyfriend had been unfaithful to me.  I did not come to this realization on my own.  Someone had to come in, break the chains or reveal the shadow as false to me in order for me to start the climb to self awareness.  In Plato's Cave we never really know how the prisoner became free.  I wonder if he was released, much like my self, or if he came to the realization all on his own?  I could debate the two sides of the coin to either conclusion.  I wonder if I would have stayed in the cave indefinitely or if I would have been able to bring myself into the light eventually?  I would like to think so.

Phil faced a similar journey to myself.  At the beginning of the movie he was ignorant to what a jerk he was.  Even if there was some self awareness he didn't care to see how miserable he was or how miserable he made others.  His reality existed in his mind and what was going on in the real world was irrelevant.  His journey was brought to him by having to live the experience of being caught in the same day.  He was doomed to repeat his choices until he came into the light or stepped away from his own ignorance.  Very much like myself, Phil was freed by the actions of something outside of himself.  

Both Phil and I went through some the same stages when learning to deal with our new realities.  There was denial, disbelief, grief, depression, moving on and finally coming to a point where it was OK to work on our selves. Becoming true and authentic can be a long and painful journey...but isn't it really worth it?

Why Did It Take Me So Long To Break The Chains?

I am sure that we all have tale that we can relate to Plato’s Cave because it is such a universal story. I thought of many instances in my life that I could relate to this allegory but one stuck out in my mind. I hate to tell such a clichéd story but it is this experience that taught me such a good lesson and ultimately brought me to a better place of truth and knowledge in all my relationships.

Yes, I am going to tell you of a time I dealt with infidelity in a relationship. I had been living with a young man, we will call him James. We were completely in love and I thought I was the only one in his life. I was very much like one of Plato’s prisoners. My eyes were locked forward and I could only see the images being acted out for me on the screen. These images were not real; they were distorted versions of the truth. I thought I was looking at love, respect, fidelity and a future. Much like the prisoners in bonds I did not realize that what I was seeing was not real, the distortions were a mere distraction to keep in mesmerized and unable to see the truth. Looking back on it I feel silly and ashamed that I couldn’t see what was so clear once I got into the light.

While Plato’s prisoner was freed inexplicably, I was freed from the distortions in a very deliberate manner. The young woman who was also in a relationship with my boyfriend reached out to me and forced me up into the light. As she described their relationship to me I felt like I had been jolted from a sleep and quickly pushed up towards the light. I felt sick and completely betrayed. It was a feeling of being lost, wondering if I was ever going to get to the top of the cave and reach the light of day. Much like anyone who leaves the dark into the direct light I was confused, disoriented and bewildered. I was unsure of what to think of my new reality and couldn’t really understand my new surroundings. There was a long period where I doubted my new reality as well as the cave I was coming from. Nothing seemed real or authentic.

After this adjustment period I suddenly saw the reality of the situation and could not believe I had been so blind. Just like Plato’s prisoner I had to go back to take another look at where I had come from, even if it was only to ensure I never go back to that cave again. Looking back on the situation, or back down into the cave, I could see my self in the bonds and watching the distorted images of truth being acted out for me. Yes I looked happy or content but I also looked ignorant and disillusioned. This is not happiness or true content with another person.

The relationship that I am in now brings me a great sense of happiness. It is a relationship based in truth and in the light. We are both authentic to who we are. We can look directly at each other and not have to act out or shadow play a role for each other. My past experience gave me the knowledge and perception to be comfortable distinguishing the difference between the light and the cave. Granted I still like to be the best version of myself for him and I am sure he does the same for me. That being said we will continue to grow together as true people enjoying the light together.

Is the truth subjective?

I sat down to re-read a list of quotes all dealing with the truth it occurred to me that the truth can be subjective.  One persons truth can be one thing or idea while another person may feel that the truth is the complete opposite.  What a fascinating idea!   I guess that I am a product of my experiences, interactions and the people I have known so far in my life.  Each time I meet a new person and get exposed to something new my truth can change a little bit.  It evolves along with me and I become a more authentic person.

The quote by Abraham Lincoln that mentions the truth as so absolute that you must part ways with someone who does not see it seems very extreme to me.  I would hope that people would take the time to try to see someone elses perspective or truth and find a way to respect it even if it does not concur with your own personal truth.  The world would be an incredibly boring place if we all thought the same way and all shared one common truth.

I have had many truths in my life that have evolved with me. I left school one year prior to graduation because I got an amazing job offer.  At the time my truth was that school was not as important to me as getting into my career.  I whole heartedly believed that was who I was.  After working with the same company for nine years and achieving all the goals I had set for myself I realized that I was doing something that I didn't enjoy.  I left that position and found something that would make be a happier person with more balance.  I also realized how import school was to me and here I am!  Ten years ago I would have fundamentally told you that I was on a true path, I was authentic to who I was.  I feel the exact same way now but what that true path or the truth is has evolved and was subjective to who I was at the time.

We must all search for the truth and hope to find an authentic self.  Lets just not make judgements on those people who's truth is different than our own.  We can all learn about ourselves by learning about others!